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NFL fans we made it through a mediocre NFL season and for our struggle we’ve been rewarded with the ugliest NFL Wildcard round in recent memory.

Being truthful it was naïve to think after this stinkfest of an NFL season we’d at least have decent playoffs. This weekend’s games are eyesore and coma-inducing matchups. There is one good game in the entire Wildcard slate and that’s New York at Green Bay.

Nevertheless I’m going to power through these awful games and give you the most heroic playoff predictions you will read in print or on the World Wide Web.

AFC

No. 5 Oakland @ No. 4 Houston

Line: -3.5 Houston

It’s the QB showdown we’ll be telling our grandchildren about some day. Oakland’s Connor Cook vs. Houston’s Brock Osweiler.

This is an atrocious game let alone playoff matchup. Derrick Carr’s broken leg is no one’s fault but that doesn’t mean I need to watch this game. In fact no one should be watching this game, it shouldn’t even be background noise while you’re puttering around the house. This game is the equivalent of a 16-seed vs. 16-seed in the NCAA tournament, whoever wins is going to get crushed in the next round.

There are better sporting events taking place during this game. The Big Horn Basin Shootout is here in Worland as well as Thermopolis, Cody and Powell. Go support the Worland, Thermopolis and Ten Sleep basketball teams before you even think of watching this game.

The only people who will be watching this game are die-hard Raiders and Texans fans, degenerate gamblers and the CIA. That’s right the CIA will us this game as a means to break a terrorist. I imagine it will go something like this.

First quarter – Texans first offensive possession

“Why does Brock Osweiler move around like one of those walking trees from Lord of the Rings?”

Late-first quarter

“How is this sport better than soccer?”

Mid-second quarter

“Are the best players on each team the punters and kickers??”

Third quarter – After the Raiders open the half with a three and out.

“Is waterboarding still on the table?”

Third quarter – Texans go three and out

“I’ll tell you everything I know.”

Prediction: Houston “It doesn’t matter.” Oakland “You should not be watching this game.”

No. 6 Miami @ No. 3 Pittsburgh

Line: -10 Pittsburgh

For the record I like Miami coach Adam Gase, quietly he has had a great rookie season. If not for the wizardry of Bill Belichick, I think he’d be a heavy favorite for Coach of the Year. Typically the Dolphins are the fool’s gold of the NFL, they’re OK at the start then string together a couple wins midseason and fall apart at the end. But this season Gase kept it together, their schedule wasn’t the toughest but they still won the games they were supposed to and for this franchise that’s a huge upgrade.

That being said Miami is going to get wrecked and their Super Bowl was making the playoffs. There’s only so much you can do with Matt Moore or Ryan Tannehill if he were healthy. The Steelers are excellent on offense even with Ben Roethlisberger not looking all that great since his return from injury.

The Steeler defense is below-average and the Dolphins might hang around for a little but this game looks like a first to 30 wins. And I have my doubts about Moore being able to hang 30 on the Steelers at Heinz Field.

Prediction: Pittsburgh 38, Miami 21

NFC

NFC No. 6 Detroit @ NFC No. 3 Seattle

Line: -8 Seattle

This hasn’t been Seattle’s season they’ve been plagued by injuries and their offensive line issues haven’t been solved. Still if you’re looking for a true dark horse, this is the team. While everyone is jumping on the Giants or Packers, the Seahawks can put something together to make a run toward the Super Bowl. They start with an easy matchup against the Lions then head to Atlanta who they can sneak by and before you know it they’re one game away from a return to the Super Bowl.

Now this could all fall apart in spectacular fashion as Russell Wilson is scrambling for his life and the Seattle secondary falters but that’s the risk you take with a dark horse.

The Lions did an excellent job of pulling out close wins all season but they’re like that sickly wildebeest you see on Planet Earth. By some miracle and incompetence by the pride of lions, the wildebeest is able to avoid being on the lion’s menu. You’re happy for the sickly wildebeest until you see the pack of hyenas waiting and that’s a wrap for Wilde.

Detroit should be celebrated for their season, they proved everyone wrong and made the playoffs but now it comes to an end.

Prediction: Seattle 27, Detriot 10

NFC No. 5 New York @ NFC No. 4 Green Bay

Line: -4.5 Green Bay

Say what you want about the NFL but they know how to market by saving the only good game for Sunday night.

I’m not terribly confident in either team because both feel incredibly shaky.

Aaron Rodgers looks to be in his old form, which is fun to watch but he doesn’t deserve the MVP for playing a half of the NFL season.

The Packers during their “run the table” streak only beat one good team, the Seahawks, other than that it was a who’s who of mediocre to bad football teams. I’m a little skeptical of how good they really are.

I also don’t trust Mike McCarthy, I’m not even sure he’s that great of a coach. He doesn’t have that killer-instinct of the great coaches, he blows far too many leads because he takes his foot off the pedal, especially in the playoffs, then blames everyone else for it.

The Giants on the other hand look like that typical Giants Super Bowl team that relies on the sneaky good defense and ask Eli not to do anything dumb. This time around they have human cheat code Odell Beckham Jr. to bail Manning out at any moment for a 50-yard touchdown.

New York is the scariest team in the playoffs as long as Eli doesn’t try to do too much and relies on Beckham Jr. and his lucky horseshoe. They’ll be Super Bowl contenders as awful as that sounds to say.

Prediction: New York 17, Green Bay 13